Welcome to my darkest days

I'm not a war veteran, nor do I regularly spend my time in a neighborhood over run with senseless violence. I have, however, been around some pretty tough situations over the last three years which may have caused me to experience some degree of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Many of the symptoms I've experienced were things I just attributed to the challenges I was currently facing; difficulty sleeping; heightened irritability; occasional panic attacks or angry outbursts; lack of interest in activities that once brought me great joy; heightened sense of mortality and impending doom. These are a handful of manifestations of stress that I'd been struggling with. The funny thing is, in spite of damage that these behaviors can cause, I didn't consider there to be something wrong until I became aware of some symptoms that began to impact my performance at work. I started to become aware of difficulties focusing on certain tasks and my ability to follow through on job assignments began to slip. In addition, I also realized that I was bringing my irritability to the office and was starting to entertain some degree of paranoia around office politics. So, sadly, because money was involved, I decided to see if something was going on.

I was able to talk to a mental health councilor who suggested that I may be dealing with post traumatic stress disorder. I was referred to a therapist and began a process of determining what was going on and addressing it.

The song, 365 Daze, is an illustration of some of what I was dealing with. Its a picture, as well, of what I imagine numerous people who are suffering from some form of PTSD might be going through. Prior to my own experience, I'd only considered PTSD in the context of war veterans; people who'd lived through a barrage of traumatic, life threatening events. Since I've been looking into it, I've become aware of how prevalent PTSD actually is. This article, "Violence in Oakland creates symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder", discusses how intense urban living where street violence is prevalent can cause PTSD and essentially trap generations of people in destructive and depressed life styles. This article, "PTSD interrupts lives after trauma", goes into details about how past trauma, such as child abuse, or witnessing something like a suicide, can lead to PTSD.

According to the Anxiety Disorders Association of America (ADAA), 7.7 million Americans age 18 and older have PTSD. According to the ADAA, PTSD "...can occur in people who have experienced or witnessed a natural disaster, serious accident, terrorist incident, sudden death of a loved one, war, violent personal assault such as rape, or other life-threatening events."

As with most of the songs coming out of the zombie cave, "365 Daze" is part art, part therapy. For me, its the reminder that I have "a choice to live or die". Making that choice when depressed and buried under something like PTSD can be difficult. If you're reading this and you think you might be having a hard time with that, please, contact your doctor, your local mental health clinic or visit a site like ADAA  to get information and get help.

Here are the lyrics:

365 days is a long, long time to hold your breathe
Devil's calling out for an exchange,
wants to press me into early death.

Jet lagged for more than a year
ain't a lot of time to wake up
from the worst of my fears.
Watchoo looking at? 

Welcome to my darkest days
The sky's falling down and the oceans rage.
If its true the whole world is a stage
I believe this scene comes before act three
and we've got a lot to resolve.
This ain't the curtain call.

365 days ain't a lot of time to say goodbye
Spent so long inside
my post traumatic haze
forgot I had a choice to live or die.

Jet lagged for more than a year
got at least another leg until
my calendars clear.
Watchoo talking 'bout?

Welcome to my darkest days
The sky's falling down and the oceans rage.
If its true the whole world is a stage
I believe this scene comes before act three
and we've got a lot to resolve.
This ain't the curtain call.

So what did you expect to see;
an empty shell or a brand new me?
On the surface seems like nothings really changed
but in my skin my heart and mind are now estranged.

How long we gonna sing this song
How long we gonna sing this song
How long we gonna sing this song
How long, how long, how long, how long.

But my soul hopes still
Yeah, my soul hopes still...

How long we gonna sing this song
How long we gonna sing this song
How long we gonna sing this song
How long, how long, how long, how long.

Here are a few online resources concerning PTSD:

• Anxiety Disorder Association of America (ADAA)
• San Francisco Bay Area Center for Cognitive Therapy
• Heal my PTSD
• US Vet Info - Getting Help for PTSD
• National Institute of Mental Health

Zombie out!

Image courtesy http://ptsdcombat.blogspot.com/

365 Daze - post traumatic stress and the suburban zombie

"365 Daze" is a rant that deals with living with post traumatic stress and the challenges of moving forward. According to the Mayo Clinic: "Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a type of anxiety disorder that's triggered by a traumatic event. You can develop post-traumatic stress disorder when you experience or witness an event that causes intense fear, helplessness or horror."

We'd love to get your comments or ratings for the tune on YouTube.

Intermission

  We've had a bit of a break between posts and new performance videos. Lots has happened between then and now: Halloween came and went; California has a new governor; many people have celebrated birthdays; Smallville has had about four new episodes;  we've had some scary zombie moments including ambulance action and hospital visit; this zombie has traveled to the near east (as in, Tennessee and Kentucky) and back.Yes, there has been a lot more happening than that, but, alas, such is life.

On the music front, I've finally gotten my laptop fixed and will shortly re-install goodies for music making. I expect that will bring us one step closer to realizing some of the new ditties in a production setting. Oh yeah, and we just bought towel holders and a fondue set. Living large, baby.

This is the sort of a blog post that professional journalists cite as job security. I've got no saucy notions or deep revelations...just a sweet towel holder and a few more good days under my belt.

Tonight we taped three more tunes for You Tube. Hopefully we've got something real and good. With any luck, we'll have a new video up in a week or so. In the meantime, listen to Transatlantiscism from Death Cab for Cutie. Its a fine collection of ditties about emotional distance.

"I thought I was on the road seeing clearly..."

The song, "Night of My Travail" captures a moment in my life when I hit bottom in terms of despair and desperation and experienced a "dark night of the soul". It was 2003. Being a high tech professional in the Bay Area, I'd got a bit singed in the Dot Bomb implosion of 2000 and managed to float along with another start up until 2002 when that also dried up. By spring 2003, I was out of work, out of money and out of options. Everything that had worked well for me over the previous decade was gone. Hiring was essentially dried up. I was either over qualified or without enough specific domain experience for any of the openings that I interviewed for.

At home, my wife and I struggled to come up with rent, cancel or postpone most of our current services or debt and raise our two kids. I had no health insurance as the company I'd worked for dissolved completely and there was no COBRA option. The only money coming in during this time came from a combination of music gigs, short term, under market software contracts or my wife's acting or modeling assignments. At key moments, we would also receive, mostly anonymous donations from friends, acquaintances, angels and other divine-type beings who'd leave checks or grocery cards under our door step or slyly slipped into our pockets. In spite of these encouragements, I personally was defeated, buried in a sense of self pity and inadequacy as I could not provide for my family. In this frame of mind, I found myself unable to get out of bed, at times distancing myself from my wife and on the road to giving up completely.

I remember one morning when my daughter was sick with a very high fever. My wife was doing everything to keep her fever down but it wouldn't give and my daughter was making a noise that sounded like a death pant. We scraped up enough change for me to run to the store to pick up Tylenol. On the way there, I lost it. I'd been depressed previously and had spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself. But this was different. My child's life appeared to be at risk. That morning it felt as though my stomach had been yanked out my  body. I had been a man of meek, yet relatively persistent faith. In this moment, I felt like I was completely alone in the universe. Did I pray? Oh yeah, I prayed, but my prayers felt dead.

A little while later, I got the Tylenol home, we administered it and thankfully, a few hours later, her fever started to get under control. A few weeks later we began to learn about County Hospital services and California laws that provide all children in the state with health insurance (see the resources below). A few months later, I managed to get enough contract work to get us back on our feet. Eventually, we were fortunate to see things turn around for us.

I'd never recorded "Night of My Travail" with my band. When the latest economic crisis hit in 2008, I thought maybe I should pull it out and record it somewhere. Perhaps it could be comforting or cathartic to someone else. In June 2009 I experienced that stomach sucked out of the body pain again as my daughter contracted viral encephalitis and was literally fighting for her life. I've already written a bit about this in my previous blog, "Awakenings, colors and hope - What Glimmer is about". This was another crisis of faith, another challenge to our family's perseverance and another obstacle and threat to our marriage.

Coming through these trials, I wish I could say that I have more answers than questions. But the truth is, we're still walking through my daughter's recovery and only starting to surface much of the damage that has been done as a result of these challenging times. Damage such as the effects of trauma on a family, the dangers of medication's side effects on a survivor and fatigue associated with long term recovery for all involved. The voice in the song is not a voice of guidance but one of questions. All he knows is that he's lost and in dire need of encouragement and guidance. In our travels over the last year, we have met other individuals and families that are similarly struggling to care for sick, loved ones, who are drowning in their own, personal, economic crisis or who are simply without direction, hope or faith.  We are all asking questions, looking to find our way through a wilderness that doesn't seem to reveal a horizon we can walk towards with confidence and finality. There are no easy answers. But, I believe, there is hope and life in the asking of questions. I believe that someday there will be answers. Until then, the zombie cave will have to do.

Here are the lyrics to "Night of My Travail":

Tonight I'm crying out for some help.
I am calling from this place for some blessed assurance.
Oh my God please don't turn your face away.
In this night of my travail is your peace on its way?

I don't know how things turned out this way.
I thought I was on the road seeing clearly.
Now I'm lost and I feel so far away.
In this night of my travail does your light still point the way?

Tonight I'm reaching out to feed my soul.
I am aware of my starvation and I need relief.
Oh my God, please don't let me get in the way.
In this night of my travail will you hear this sinner pray?


Here are a couple of helpful resources for children in California who need health insurance:

• California Healthy Families (SCHIP)
• Health Consumer Alliance

 Zombie out!

Night of My Travail - a dark night of the soul

The idea of a "dark night of the soul" was originally written as the title of a poem by 16th century theologian and mystic, Saint John of the Cross. "Night of My Travail" is a telling of such a "dark night" experience, where the soul is in crisis, the well seems dry and life is quite zombie-like.

We'd love to get your comments or ratings for the tune on YouTube.

For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part

"I, Zombie Dude, take you, Zombie Gal, for my lawful wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part".

To some, hearing these words with your name in the sentence is your deepest desire. To others they ring of an ominous commitment that seems impossible to uphold in this day and age. To those living under these commitments they are both a touchstone promise we share with our spouse as well as a high standard of sacrifice that is sobering to the most devoted couple.

Here in the zombie cave, my wife and I have had better, worse, rich, poor, sickness and health, sometimes all within a short period of time. Our life together has been an intensely humbling journey. In fact, without humility, this level of commitment is impossible. There is no room for ego when navigating the fragile waters of commitment and sacrifice in a world that is constantly telling us to be more self-centered. Part of this humility is simply admitting when we've messed up or where we're weak. I can't speak for other folks, but for me, this is not a natural response to relationships and life, particularly in crisis situations. My natural response seems to be a desire to fix the problem or put on the game face as a show of strength. Now, there are times, I believe, when I need to be strong for my wife and kids and take the initiative to get things done. But, that doesn't mean I'm immune to or not accountable for my failure or emotional insensitivity.

The song, "Sometimes it's enough" speaks to moments in a relationship where we just need to confess where we're at. My wife gets the credit for the line "sometimes it’s enough to say 'I love you'". In her graciousness, during a conversation where I was trying to prove my love to her based on my attempts to fix all the problems in our life, she spoke those words to me. Needless to say, the words were inspired and the effect was convicting.

Here are the lyrics:

By now we've lived some together
and you've learned to know my name
and in spite of one blind eye
and a life time second tries
you know I've tried to do the same.

Although the road still rises up to meet us
Day after day
Sometimes I still feel like I've failed you
then you stop me and say

Sometimes its enough to say "I love you"
Sometimes its enough to hold my hand
Sometimes in the night when the cold starts to bite
just cover me and say "I love you" again

Most times, I'm sure, you're walking on water
and I'm just sinking in the drink
Time after time I am reaching out for you to pull me up again
my fragile world is on the brink

Although the road still rises up to meet us
Day after day
Sometimes I still feel like I've failed you
then you stop me and say

Sometimes its enough to say "I love you"
Sometimes its enough to hold my hand
Sometimes in the night when the cold starts to bite
just cover me and say "I love you" again

Zombie out!

Sometimes its enough - proclaiming it love song style on YouTube

"Sometimes its enough" is now up on YouTube. Its a simple love song about commitment, devotion and transparency. We'd love to get your comments or ratings on YouTube.