Awakenings, colors and hope - What Glimmer is about

So, the zombie cave performance video for the song Glimmer went up this week and I thought I'd follow up with bit on what the songs about and the writing process (or lack thereof).

Glimmer was written sometime in the spring of 2009. It surfaced late one night in the quiet of the soon to be zombie cave while children were sleeping and guitar plucking was easing the busy memories of a hectic day. My wife and I were recently new parents for the fourth time and the baby girl was sleeping in my charge nearby. In this peaceful moment this very melancholy sounding music started coming out of my guitar. Soon after, the words, "Clever girl, won't you open your eyes" popped in my head. I remember thinking that, really, the last thing I wanted was for baby girl to wake up so these lyrics seemed strange. As more lyrics continued to come forward, although they seemed to be inspired by the little one in front of me, they also seemed to be kind of detached from the present scene. About an hour later I was pretty much done writing. I tweaked the song a bit here and there since but for the most part the lyrics haven't changed since that first night.

About two months after this night, on what started as a very normal morning, my older daughter, eleven years old at the time, went into a grand mal seizure. Up to this point, she was an extremely healthy, precocious child, active in dance and other fitness activities and advanced in academics with no history of chronic sickness or seizures. An ambulance was called and she was rushed to the hospital. After about twenty four hours consisting of many invasive tests she was diagnosed as having viral encephalitis, inflammation of the brain caused by a virus. For almost three weeks, she went in and out of consciousness, suffered memory loss, delusions, seizures, auto-immune instability and insomnia.

There is a movie called Awakenings that deals with patients suffering from a form of encephalitis, encephalitis lethargica. Although a different form of the disease, the basic idea is similar in that something has caused the brain of the patient to become inflamed leading to a wide variety of possible symptoms. Amongst those familiar with encephalitis, for those who survive the initial days of the illness and who are diagnosed and treated, eventually the patient may come to an "awakening" which is, essentially, a day where the brain has healed enough and the symptoms are controlled enough, most likely through medication, for the person to regain a level of lucidity. Often the patient will show a degree of memory recovery as well, but the period of time prior to the awakening, from the point they initially went into active inflammation to the point of the awakening, is generally lost to them, similar to people who have been comatose.

Right around day two of my daughters stay in ICU, my wife pointed out to me that she thought she knew what the song was about. She said, she believed that the song was a foreshadow of what was happening to our oldest daughter now. The descriptions of colors changing, the world re-arranging and the warning that she may become dismayed described pretty accurately what her experience was at that time. The refrain's proclamation "when you wake up" was received by us as a hopeful encouragement. I'm not going to go into why or how this song came about the way it did. That's a discussion for another time. The important thing was that the song was a gift to all of us at a time when we desperately needed something to hold onto.

About three weeks later, my daughter did "wake up". In less then a week she was released from the hospital. For more than a year we've been walking with her through recovery. She still suffers from occasional seizures, although they are far less frequent and severe. There are also numerous levels of recovery she must walk through besides the brain's healing including emotional and psychological recovery. Likewise, the rest of our family is also going through a kind of recovery as well, as we've learned to live with the limits we face as a result of  my daughter's illness. Our lives have changed, I believe for good. Not because I think she will never fully recover, we are optimistic and hopeful that she will. Rather, because we can never look at life the same way.

We are now painfully aware of countless families who are in hospitals or homes throughout the world who are living lives that primarily revolve around the care of a loved one suffering from some debilitating disease. We are now aware of a disease called encephalitis that most people have never heard of and that is still relatively uncharted in terms of treatment and recovery. We are now aware of the many variations of seizures a person may have and the hardships associated with epilepsy. We are now aware of the perseverance required to weather seasons of recovery and the toll it takes on families.

So, now, we live in the zombie cave. But as the ancient Greek aphorism states, "Know thyself". Embracing our zombie lifestyle and perspective is the first step towards moving forward. Life has changed. We've changed and have awoken not only to challenges and suffering but also to a shared human experience that has become a source of compassion and inspiration to us. The song beckons its heroine to hold out for a glimmer of hope. Each day, that is our calling as well.

Zombie out!

Lyrics to Glimmer:

Clever girl, won't you open your eyes
We're all waiting to see your surprise
When the colors all change and the world's rearranged
and the musical lights are no more than glimmer

Little one there is so much to do
Even now, so much hope is in you
We're returning to love to give all for you
So you will see more than a glimmer

When you wake up
there's a song, there's a song that is waiting
It was written for your name
When you wake up
there's a world that is anticipating
it will never be the same

Little lamb, when you open your eyes
Just a word, that you may be surprised
the lights may seem scarce and you may become dismayed
but the hope that remains is more than a glimmer

When you wake up
there's a song, there's a song that is waiting
It was written for your name
When you wake up
there's a world that is anticipating
it will never be the same

We will never be the same