"I thought I was on the road seeing clearly..."

The song, "Night of My Travail" captures a moment in my life when I hit bottom in terms of despair and desperation and experienced a "dark night of the soul". It was 2003. Being a high tech professional in the Bay Area, I'd got a bit singed in the Dot Bomb implosion of 2000 and managed to float along with another start up until 2002 when that also dried up. By spring 2003, I was out of work, out of money and out of options. Everything that had worked well for me over the previous decade was gone. Hiring was essentially dried up. I was either over qualified or without enough specific domain experience for any of the openings that I interviewed for.

At home, my wife and I struggled to come up with rent, cancel or postpone most of our current services or debt and raise our two kids. I had no health insurance as the company I'd worked for dissolved completely and there was no COBRA option. The only money coming in during this time came from a combination of music gigs, short term, under market software contracts or my wife's acting or modeling assignments. At key moments, we would also receive, mostly anonymous donations from friends, acquaintances, angels and other divine-type beings who'd leave checks or grocery cards under our door step or slyly slipped into our pockets. In spite of these encouragements, I personally was defeated, buried in a sense of self pity and inadequacy as I could not provide for my family. In this frame of mind, I found myself unable to get out of bed, at times distancing myself from my wife and on the road to giving up completely.

I remember one morning when my daughter was sick with a very high fever. My wife was doing everything to keep her fever down but it wouldn't give and my daughter was making a noise that sounded like a death pant. We scraped up enough change for me to run to the store to pick up Tylenol. On the way there, I lost it. I'd been depressed previously and had spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself. But this was different. My child's life appeared to be at risk. That morning it felt as though my stomach had been yanked out my  body. I had been a man of meek, yet relatively persistent faith. In this moment, I felt like I was completely alone in the universe. Did I pray? Oh yeah, I prayed, but my prayers felt dead.

A little while later, I got the Tylenol home, we administered it and thankfully, a few hours later, her fever started to get under control. A few weeks later we began to learn about County Hospital services and California laws that provide all children in the state with health insurance (see the resources below). A few months later, I managed to get enough contract work to get us back on our feet. Eventually, we were fortunate to see things turn around for us.

I'd never recorded "Night of My Travail" with my band. When the latest economic crisis hit in 2008, I thought maybe I should pull it out and record it somewhere. Perhaps it could be comforting or cathartic to someone else. In June 2009 I experienced that stomach sucked out of the body pain again as my daughter contracted viral encephalitis and was literally fighting for her life. I've already written a bit about this in my previous blog, "Awakenings, colors and hope - What Glimmer is about". This was another crisis of faith, another challenge to our family's perseverance and another obstacle and threat to our marriage.

Coming through these trials, I wish I could say that I have more answers than questions. But the truth is, we're still walking through my daughter's recovery and only starting to surface much of the damage that has been done as a result of these challenging times. Damage such as the effects of trauma on a family, the dangers of medication's side effects on a survivor and fatigue associated with long term recovery for all involved. The voice in the song is not a voice of guidance but one of questions. All he knows is that he's lost and in dire need of encouragement and guidance. In our travels over the last year, we have met other individuals and families that are similarly struggling to care for sick, loved ones, who are drowning in their own, personal, economic crisis or who are simply without direction, hope or faith.  We are all asking questions, looking to find our way through a wilderness that doesn't seem to reveal a horizon we can walk towards with confidence and finality. There are no easy answers. But, I believe, there is hope and life in the asking of questions. I believe that someday there will be answers. Until then, the zombie cave will have to do.

Here are the lyrics to "Night of My Travail":

Tonight I'm crying out for some help.
I am calling from this place for some blessed assurance.
Oh my God please don't turn your face away.
In this night of my travail is your peace on its way?

I don't know how things turned out this way.
I thought I was on the road seeing clearly.
Now I'm lost and I feel so far away.
In this night of my travail does your light still point the way?

Tonight I'm reaching out to feed my soul.
I am aware of my starvation and I need relief.
Oh my God, please don't let me get in the way.
In this night of my travail will you hear this sinner pray?


Here are a couple of helpful resources for children in California who need health insurance:

• California Healthy Families (SCHIP)
• Health Consumer Alliance

 Zombie out!

Night of My Travail - a dark night of the soul

The idea of a "dark night of the soul" was originally written as the title of a poem by 16th century theologian and mystic, Saint John of the Cross. "Night of My Travail" is a telling of such a "dark night" experience, where the soul is in crisis, the well seems dry and life is quite zombie-like.

We'd love to get your comments or ratings for the tune on YouTube.

For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part

"I, Zombie Dude, take you, Zombie Gal, for my lawful wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part".

To some, hearing these words with your name in the sentence is your deepest desire. To others they ring of an ominous commitment that seems impossible to uphold in this day and age. To those living under these commitments they are both a touchstone promise we share with our spouse as well as a high standard of sacrifice that is sobering to the most devoted couple.

Here in the zombie cave, my wife and I have had better, worse, rich, poor, sickness and health, sometimes all within a short period of time. Our life together has been an intensely humbling journey. In fact, without humility, this level of commitment is impossible. There is no room for ego when navigating the fragile waters of commitment and sacrifice in a world that is constantly telling us to be more self-centered. Part of this humility is simply admitting when we've messed up or where we're weak. I can't speak for other folks, but for me, this is not a natural response to relationships and life, particularly in crisis situations. My natural response seems to be a desire to fix the problem or put on the game face as a show of strength. Now, there are times, I believe, when I need to be strong for my wife and kids and take the initiative to get things done. But, that doesn't mean I'm immune to or not accountable for my failure or emotional insensitivity.

The song, "Sometimes it's enough" speaks to moments in a relationship where we just need to confess where we're at. My wife gets the credit for the line "sometimes it’s enough to say 'I love you'". In her graciousness, during a conversation where I was trying to prove my love to her based on my attempts to fix all the problems in our life, she spoke those words to me. Needless to say, the words were inspired and the effect was convicting.

Here are the lyrics:

By now we've lived some together
and you've learned to know my name
and in spite of one blind eye
and a life time second tries
you know I've tried to do the same.

Although the road still rises up to meet us
Day after day
Sometimes I still feel like I've failed you
then you stop me and say

Sometimes its enough to say "I love you"
Sometimes its enough to hold my hand
Sometimes in the night when the cold starts to bite
just cover me and say "I love you" again

Most times, I'm sure, you're walking on water
and I'm just sinking in the drink
Time after time I am reaching out for you to pull me up again
my fragile world is on the brink

Although the road still rises up to meet us
Day after day
Sometimes I still feel like I've failed you
then you stop me and say

Sometimes its enough to say "I love you"
Sometimes its enough to hold my hand
Sometimes in the night when the cold starts to bite
just cover me and say "I love you" again

Zombie out!

Sometimes its enough - proclaiming it love song style on YouTube

"Sometimes its enough" is now up on YouTube. Its a simple love song about commitment, devotion and transparency. We'd love to get your comments or ratings on YouTube.

How does grass smell, anyhoo?

So, this week's post was the zombie cave performance of "Smell of Grass". The song is about indecision and the damage it does. The character in the song is a person who is nearly paralyzed due to his self-consciousness and inability to be content in his present circumstance. Nothing is quite right in his life, he blames his lover, and yet is pretty much convinced this is as good as it gets.

I can honestly say that I don't really know where this song came from. I'm not sure if it reflects my personal feelings at a certain point, if I was thinking about people I know or I was just making something up. Its probably a bit of all the above. It kind of reminds me of the movie, American Beauty, although it wasn't based on it.

Regardless of its inspiration, and the mostly bleak theme of the story, the twist at the end provides a spoonful of hope when the speaker's lover leaves him. Hope you say? Yes, she actually makes a decision, finds "her voice" and gets out of the hole. That leaves our speaker "no longer waiting for a reason to change". That's great news I think. Change is inevitable. Life isn't really about our ability to control the change around us. We can't. In fact, the more we resist change, the more painful it is when change comes. The challenge, I think, is how we carry ourselves through change; with hope and good character or in miserable, self obsession. Honestly, if you're like me, we probably average somewhere in the middle most of the time.

Life in the zombie cave at times has felt somewhat stalled. However, our circumstance is more about waiting then resisting. Either way, it can be a difficult place to be. That stalled dynamic creates a tension that breeds anxiety and heightens conflict. In our case, walking through our daughter's recovery, we're dealing with subtle changes and choices daily. Right now we're facing some tough decisions around medication changes that will put her at risk for seizures and hospitalization, but they are a necessary risk. The grass definitely smells good where we stand right now, right in this moment, but we need to move and walk through the change that's staring us in the face.

Zombie out!

Smell of Grass - Latest video on YouTube

The latest performance from the zombie cave, Smell of Grass, is up on YouTube  now! This song is a cautionary tale. The grass is not always greener and sometimes you get exactly what you deserve.. We'd love to get your comments or ratings on YouTube.

Why Smallville should use LSFZ's Superhero tune for their season finale

Down here in the zombie cave, CW's Smallville is one of our guilty pleasures. We've been following along since about season 2, watching intently as Clark Kent sows his oats, comes of age and generally, works up to a future of tights and flights. We're now into season 10, the last season, and, according to the producers, all the faithful will be rewarded this year with a conclusion to the series that meets all of our expectations. Hmmmm? Well, as hopeless optimists, even in the face of probable disappointment, we're holding our breathe and tagging along.

So, what's that got to do with the tune "Superhero"? OK, off the bat, I need to confess that "Superhero" wasn't inspired by Smallville, but rather, by a film called Hollywood Land. Hollywood Land examines the time and events around the reported suicide of George Reeves, television's original Superman. It explores the seedy side of Hollywood and the entertainment business of that time and considers the possibility that George Reeves was murdered. However, the scene that stuck with me was a short montage which showed the day the news reported that "Superman commits suicide". The scene painfully portrayed the impact this had on a generation of children. To these children, that headline seemed impossible. They bought the mythology and the possibility of Superman dying was hard enough to swallow. The notion that he killed himself, this icon who stood for "truth, justice and the American way", was earth shattering. This was a poignant reminder of the responsibility of the media and the devastation caused when heroes fall.

The tune, "Superhero", looks at the notion of heroes in our lives. It pictures three seasons of life, childhood, young adulthood and adulthood, and how our relationship to our heroes may change during those times. The amazing thing about human nature is that we have the capacity to be moved by something which can inspire us to make choices beyond our basic survival needs. We can be moved to courageous self sacrifice and compassion and in turn inspire others. The mythology of modern superheroes, for many people, has provided that spark that allows one to consider rising above their limitations for the common good. However, the realities of life, at times brutal, unforgiving and unrelentingly cold often drown our heroic inspirations in an ocean of cynicism and hopelessness. Perhaps we find ourselves rooting for the anti-hero, someone who isn't morally driven to do right but rather participates out of opportunism or as a result of circumstance; or maybe we're now identifying more with the villain, sympathizing with his hard luck story and "DIY" ingenuity. In the midst of this heroic identity crisis we may find ourselves at a cross roads, between rational pragmatism and hopeful optimism. I don't think the extreme pragmatist would ever run into a burning building.

So then, why should Smallville use this tune for their finale? Besides our nerdy pre-occupation with the show and that it would really be cool, Superhero sums up much of what Clark Kent and his compatriots have been struggling with for ten years. First, to be or not to be a hero is a choice, even if you have super powers. The show made it clear that Clark's path to heroism, although a seemingly natural response to his abilities was also a choice that required consideration in lieu of a "normal" life. The show has also dealt with issues of moral ambiguity (is Lex Luthor really bad if he's motivated to save the human race), challenging ethics (Clark's opposition to killing, even when its clear that his enemy is determined to destroy him and the people he protects) and the need for heroic inspiration (such as the example set by his earth father, Jonathan Kent, to protect and save him). Each of these, and numerous others, are milestone challenges on a path towards either a deterministic fate or a revelatory self awareness. "Superhero" sings of a life's journey towards a point of decision; to follow the path of the pragmatist where one person can't make a difference so "give up boy, its not worth your time"; or to look up as an optimist who is at least willing to try and respond to a calling that is greater than himself.

In this zombie's humble opinion, there couldn't be a better tune to send Clark out, in flights and tights, towards the promise of a future where he can inspire generations to stand strong and do the right thing in the face of adversity while we all sing "look there he is, flying by, just look up, just look up". Yeah, I'm a little biased, but what the heck.

If you agree that Superhero would be awesome hit for the Smallville finale than feel free to suggest this to the Smallville producers and point them to this blog. That would be SUPER of you. In the meantime, check out Superhero on YouTube and take a gander at the lyrics below.

Zombie out!

Lyrics to Superhero:

When I was a boy I use to believe that a man could fly
Made me walk a little taller, try a little harder to touch the sky
And when the night seemed it's darkest
The shield on my chest could light my way
I had my super hero and nothing could darken my days

When I made my way in this world this young man
Learned at times I will fall
Though brave and determined the passions that burn
They would bring me down to a crawl
Through suffering and pain I've endured what remains
Of a bleeding heart
But I cling to my heros so nothing can tear my apart

See there he is flying by, Just look up, just look up
Look how he soars through the skies, Just look up, just look up
Just hold on and believe that he's still got something up his sleeve
And the day will be won -- just look up.

Now the days have turned shorter
And the skies seem much higher than I ever knew
And life is full of plot twists and turns that super heroes don't really do
In the back of my mind I'm questioning why I
ever thought a man could fly
I'm deconstructing my heroes and watching my dreams pass me by

When I was a boy I use to believe that a man could really fly
Now that I am a man my childish answers no longer seem to apply
But the seed of that courage, to soar above fear,
I still wear on my chest 'cause I know that he's here
And when the world says "give up boy, it's not worth your time"
I look up to the heavens and there I still find
there's a hero inside me and he was there all the time

See there he is flying by, Just look up, just look up
Look how he soars through the skies, Just look up, just look up
Just hold on and believe that he's still got something up his sleeve
And the day will be won -- just look up.