Welcome to my darkest days

I'm not a war veteran, nor do I regularly spend my time in a neighborhood over run with senseless violence. I have, however, been around some pretty tough situations over the last three years which may have caused me to experience some degree of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Many of the symptoms I've experienced were things I just attributed to the challenges I was currently facing; difficulty sleeping; heightened irritability; occasional panic attacks or angry outbursts; lack of interest in activities that once brought me great joy; heightened sense of mortality and impending doom. These are a handful of manifestations of stress that I'd been struggling with. The funny thing is, in spite of damage that these behaviors can cause, I didn't consider there to be something wrong until I became aware of some symptoms that began to impact my performance at work. I started to become aware of difficulties focusing on certain tasks and my ability to follow through on job assignments began to slip. In addition, I also realized that I was bringing my irritability to the office and was starting to entertain some degree of paranoia around office politics. So, sadly, because money was involved, I decided to see if something was going on.

I was able to talk to a mental health councilor who suggested that I may be dealing with post traumatic stress disorder. I was referred to a therapist and began a process of determining what was going on and addressing it.

The song, 365 Daze, is an illustration of some of what I was dealing with. Its a picture, as well, of what I imagine numerous people who are suffering from some form of PTSD might be going through. Prior to my own experience, I'd only considered PTSD in the context of war veterans; people who'd lived through a barrage of traumatic, life threatening events. Since I've been looking into it, I've become aware of how prevalent PTSD actually is. This article, "Violence in Oakland creates symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder", discusses how intense urban living where street violence is prevalent can cause PTSD and essentially trap generations of people in destructive and depressed life styles. This article, "PTSD interrupts lives after trauma", goes into details about how past trauma, such as child abuse, or witnessing something like a suicide, can lead to PTSD.

According to the Anxiety Disorders Association of America (ADAA), 7.7 million Americans age 18 and older have PTSD. According to the ADAA, PTSD "...can occur in people who have experienced or witnessed a natural disaster, serious accident, terrorist incident, sudden death of a loved one, war, violent personal assault such as rape, or other life-threatening events."

As with most of the songs coming out of the zombie cave, "365 Daze" is part art, part therapy. For me, its the reminder that I have "a choice to live or die". Making that choice when depressed and buried under something like PTSD can be difficult. If you're reading this and you think you might be having a hard time with that, please, contact your doctor, your local mental health clinic or visit a site like ADAA  to get information and get help.

Here are the lyrics:

365 days is a long, long time to hold your breathe
Devil's calling out for an exchange,
wants to press me into early death.

Jet lagged for more than a year
ain't a lot of time to wake up
from the worst of my fears.
Watchoo looking at? 

Welcome to my darkest days
The sky's falling down and the oceans rage.
If its true the whole world is a stage
I believe this scene comes before act three
and we've got a lot to resolve.
This ain't the curtain call.

365 days ain't a lot of time to say goodbye
Spent so long inside
my post traumatic haze
forgot I had a choice to live or die.

Jet lagged for more than a year
got at least another leg until
my calendars clear.
Watchoo talking 'bout?

Welcome to my darkest days
The sky's falling down and the oceans rage.
If its true the whole world is a stage
I believe this scene comes before act three
and we've got a lot to resolve.
This ain't the curtain call.

So what did you expect to see;
an empty shell or a brand new me?
On the surface seems like nothings really changed
but in my skin my heart and mind are now estranged.

How long we gonna sing this song
How long we gonna sing this song
How long we gonna sing this song
How long, how long, how long, how long.

But my soul hopes still
Yeah, my soul hopes still...

How long we gonna sing this song
How long we gonna sing this song
How long we gonna sing this song
How long, how long, how long, how long.

Here are a few online resources concerning PTSD:

• Anxiety Disorder Association of America (ADAA)
• San Francisco Bay Area Center for Cognitive Therapy
• Heal my PTSD
• US Vet Info - Getting Help for PTSD
• National Institute of Mental Health

Zombie out!

Image courtesy http://ptsdcombat.blogspot.com/